Hot Boys
by thisRANDOMperson
Summary: Parody. Sweeney and Turpin share a "touching" moment together. If homophobic, leave the premises. NO slash. R&R.


**I was making a parody for Epiphany but I and my sister Sarah decided to make a special connection between them. My other two parodies are called No Place like Texas and the Worst Bras in London. Please read. :D If you hate Judge Turpin, don't read. XD**

**I don't own Sweeney Todd, but you can NEVER take him away from me!!**

**Enjoy. :)**

Sweeney Todd just put on his new Versace jacket when there was a soft knock on the door. A strange feeling stirred in his stomach, and he knew who it was. His hand trembled as he reached for the door. It felt as though he had waited for this day all his life. The door swung open, to reveal the man who ruined his life – Judge Turpin. The judge looked him up and down for a few moments before smiling. "Mr. Todd." Sweeney said, "At your service," raising his eyebrows a couple times. "An _honor_ to receive your patronage, my love - err, lord."

The judge walked into the room, observing the properties, and Sweeney couldn't help but wander his eyes towards his large, overly-round buttocks. _Hmm… Judge Turpin has surely gained weight!_ he thought in amusement. He shrugged, trying to think of something else, but the image of Turpin's round, fleshy buttocks kept coming back to him, and he became very disturbed, indeed. He planned on asking Ms. Lovett to give him a nice, hot glass of brandy when he returned. "What can I do for you today, sir? A stylish trimming of the hair, or a _soothing_ skin massage? Sit, sir. Sit."

"You see, sir, a man infatuate with love, it's ardent and eager slave, so fetch the pomade and pumice stone, and lend me a more seductive tone, a sprinkling, perhaps, of French cologne, but first, sir, I think…a shave."

Sweeney led him to the chair as he grabbed the white sheet and threw it over him, wondering if his buttocks also needed a shave. "The _closest_ I ever gave." He whistled a merry little tune.

The judge's head perked up. "You are in a _gay_ mood today, Mr. Todd."

"'Tis your delight sir, catching fire from one man to the next."

"'Tis true, sir! Love can still inspire the blood to pound, the heart leap higher! What more –"

"What more, can man require –"

"Than love, sir?" the judge asked.

"More than love, sir!"

"What, sir?"

"Boys!"

The judge smiled in agreement. So he was not the only one out there! "Ah, yes. Boys –"

"_Hot_ boys!"

They both began to whistle quite merrily. To be honest, Sweeney had no idea where "boys" had come from. The first thought he had, of course, was women. Then, why in the world did he say boys?! It scared him, and he almost didn't know what he should do, until the piece of shining silver caught his eye. His razor could stop this madness for him.

He walked behind the table and grabbed the razor from its resting place, and eagerly flicked it open. It smiled down at him in the light, giving him a soothing feeling. Finally, he would get his revenge… And that was when he noticed the smile of the razor. It was too masculine…. _Nooooo!!_ His thoughts screamed into his mind, and he had had enough of this. Sweeney Todd was _not_ a raving homosexual! He made his way to the unsuspecting victim.

"Now then, my friend." He gracefully swiped the razor across the sharpener a few times. "Now to your purpose. Patience, enjoy it. Revenge can't be taken in haste –"

"Make haste, and if we wed, you'll be commended, sir!"

"My lord!" He put a calming hand on the judge's shoulder. "And who may it be said is your intended, sir?"

"Well, I'm not so sure anymore." The judge looked down at the old, wooden floor, waiting to see what Sweeney would say. Sweeney's stomach was in a knot. Was he to accept the judge's offer, thereby gaining possibility to retrieve his long-lost daughter, Johanna? "Describe your other conquest."

"Pretty as a rosebud. Long, curly, luxurious hair, the whitest and creamiest of skin, rosy cheeks, and the reddest lips I have ever seen. Yes, he is as pretty as a rosebud."

Sweeney grew furious. He refused to believe his beautiful baby girl, Johanna, was really a man! That was when he decided – he needed to kill Judge Turpin.

"Pretty as his father?"

"What, sir?" The judge felt a strange tension in the air. "What was that?"

"Nothing, sir. Nothing. May we proceed?" Sweeney took in a sharp breath as he brought the beautiful razor to his victim's throat, and –

_Shing._

The razor innocently swept over the man's exposed neck, leaving a smooth surface.

_Why would I kill this man, when I have opened up to a whole new world?_

"Hot boys." he sang happily, stroking the man's neck with the razor once more. "Salivating. Sipping Monsters. Crumping. Hot boys are a wonder. Hot boys!" The judge was very turned on with this subject, indeed, as was Sweeney. "Sitting in the hot rod or standing on the chair!" The judge was confused about the last remark, so, for effect, Sweeney left the man and jumped onto the chair by the door with boyish attitude. He then returned to the man as he swiped the razor across his cheek yet again. "Something in them cheers the air."

Sweeney couldn't wait to see Ms. Lovett's face when she found out about this. She probably thought he was killing the judge, but it was quite the opposite, in a way. He _was_ killing the judge – with _words!_

"Hot boys," he continued.

"Barely clothed," the judge added, referring to the days when he just didn't _feel_ like wearing his pants.

"Stay within you."

"Sweaty."

"Stay forever."

"Breathing loudly."

"Hot boys! Hot boys!" Sweeney smiled triumphantly to himself, making a strange noise in the back of his throat. _Yes!_

"Putting on their cologne or spiking up their hair!" the two homos sang together. "Even when they leave, they still are there. They're there." They were both referring to the smell, good or bad, that men leave in the room, even if they aren't in it. Sweeney slowly brought the razor to Turpin's throat again. "Ah, hot boys! Drinking liquor!"

"Taking showers!"

"Beating children!"

"Screwing doorknobs!"

"Playing guitar!"

"How they make a man sing!" the two sang together. "Proof of testacles as you're living! Hot boys!"

"Yes! Hot boys!"

"Here's to hot boys!"

"Hot boys -!"

Right at that beautiful moment, Anthony burst in, blubbering about Johanna. Too bad he didn't know Johanna was a man. The judge glared at him, jealousy flaming in his eyes. "You!" He then jumped out of the chair as if it was in flames, turning on Sweeney. "_You!_ I thought we had something special! And yet here you are, going off with other men!!" He ripped off the white blanket and cleaned the lather from his face, and threw the blanket at Sweeney with all his might. "Now I know _never_ to trust men! Enjoy your customers and _their_ testacles, for you'll have none of mine!!" He slammed the door shut, leaving Anthony and Sweeney, confused and alone.

**Thank you all for reading! The sequel to this will be up soon – it shall be called "They All Deserve to Live" so find it, read it… you get the idea. And I'm sorry if you felt uncomfortable while reading this, since Sweeney was totally a homo – don't worry. I was uncomfortable **_**typing**_** the damned thing. So, review nicely, please. Err, thanks. xDDD**


End file.
